Right now, I am what would be best described as “A Ball of Raw Emotions.” If you don’t know why, read my previous blog post. You’ll be up to speed. There are so many emotions running through me right now.
Anger isn’t the first. Anger is never the first. There is always something else. For example, yesterday, I was angry ‘NOT’ because I didn’t get the job (although it’s a factor), but because that reality changed my sense of stability (or at least hopeful stability). Finances tend to do that easily to people’s lives. The reality of mounting bills, an upcoming baby, and no income for [almost] four months can really take a toll on you.
I can remember the days when Erica and I were finally SET. We were both employed full-time and living in Pittsburgh (one of the most inexpensive places to live in). It seemed so long ago, but it has only been 5 months.
This change in future plans totally threw a wrench in the engine. Actually… no… it threw a cinder block in the engine.
So now that you’re faced with a plethora of emotions after ( fill in the blank) happens to you… where do you go from there?
If I’m honest, I’m fed up with quick-comments that people will immediately run to like “God will” or “there’s something better.” I look at Job… to me, Job and God had the realest of exchanges I’ve ever seen. Job didn’t quickly run to “oh, but God will take care of me.” Bull… he was hurt… he was confused… he was angry…
And rather than put on the “Christianese” mask and say “But God” (while it’s a truth we all know is certain, that God will)… he took off his facade, bore it all, became vulnerable, and asked God, “What the hell are you doing here?” (Macho paraphrase)
I tend to be more like Job… it’s the kind of life I want to lead. Why? Well… he was real with God. I’m tired of fake Christianity. I want Authentic living.
You think God can’t handle you yelling? You think God can’t take a slipped word here and there? When was the last time you let God know how you were feeling?
I’m tired of faking it… I’m tired of “talking the talk” when my life is hurting… and rather than someone asking how I feel and talking it out, I get the “But God’s” and the “have faith’s” that I’ve known my entire life.
People… for a moment… let’s be real… leave the Christianese lingo at home… why do you mask your emotions?
The Lara Family 
I think a lot of times people, especially Christians, hide their emotions as a protective mechanism…if they show how they really feel they open themselves up to the vulnerability of attack. It’s one thing to be “open” with God…I can do that, it’s another to be open with those we have to live with on a day to day basis in the real world. Yes, God can handle our emotions and he wants us to be real with him but can those around us handle our emotions?
I think that as Christians when we are angry, hurt, etc and open ourselves up to those feelings to others we are often perceived as whiny and unwilling to accept that our circumstances are a part of God’s will. It is sad that because we are “set apart” from the world and yet have to live in this world that as a result we seem to be judged even more harshly by our own people.
So…as a fellow Christian, I commend you on your willingness to be open with your emotions, not only with God but with all of your fellow believers. Praying that you will find a job soon…
You’re right Cindy. The reality is that “Church” is not always a safe place to be vulnerable and real. You can really get hurt when you put your “real” self out there. I’ve been there most of my life. Not letting people into my realness and true self because I’m afraid.
I think it takes us though to chose into being open. It’s not always easy. It has it’s setbacks. But it’s always rewarding. It’s so freeing to just put it out there. This is me… I’m not perfect. I get angry. I get hurt. I’m happy one day, sad the next. But this is me… just a human striving to live openly and vulnerably as I aim to follow Jesus day by day.
Thanks for sharing Cindy. Missing you all at ACAC.
Missing you as well…worship hasn’t been the same since you left! š¦
Macho,
I really understand where you are cause i have been there and probably will be again. As a therapist, i always encourage/d my clients to be open and honest, at least when they are in the room with me, where it is safe. Finding safe people to be emotional with is key. Most Christians i have encountered wear masks on top of masks, on top of masks! They have their reasons. I am an emotional person, and i am very verbal….i think, u hear…LOL….i have ppl (Christians) who i thought i could trust to open up and share, and they were not up to it and they judged me like my faith was not strong, or i didn’t believe, and that is what some do, at least in my experience. Anyway, like i said yesterday, gotta feel with you gotta feel and i know u are thankful you have a God to “duke” it out with, some don’t! Blessings brother!