I Feel Like a Failure


Today is “one of those days” (whatever THAT means).  You can probably connect with the phrase in a variety of circumstances.  For me, today is one of the days in which, when I look introspectively, many of the things I have aimed to accomplish or do (at least the predominant ones in my head) seem like utter failures.  In turn, I feel like a failure myself.

It started when I was listening to the music and vocals I recorded at the studio on Saturday.  They say that you are your own worst critic.  In that light, I pretty much suck… at least in the recording part.  Why?  Well, realistically, it’s not something that I do full time nor have I been doing it for long.  It’s understandable that anything I record will not have the quality of sound that someone with experience would achieve.  Never the less, the ending sentiment is the same… “man, this sounds crappy.” #fail.

When you’re already feeling low because of something, the other things that haven’t worked out for you seem to come to mind.  Thus was the case today.  I was quickly reminded of my “not-so-successful” attempt at jumping into the photography world.  It seems that the moment I began taking pictures a few years ago, many of my friends began doing the same thing.  I made a web site last year, and it seemed that everyone else and their families created them too.  The reality with photography is that, taking pictures has become so easy now a days, that everyone is “a photographer” now.  And despite my own eye and look, I could not avoid the reality that it’s becoming something people don’t hire as often for, unless it’s for bigger things like weddings, etc., and there are people far more along-the-journey than me…, so again, #fail.

I was feeling “blah” about it.  I have dreams and goals.  The central one right now evolves around what God has in store for me in regards to His calling on my life.  I have a Masters degree now, so that was a huge step.  But still, what is going on?  I’m an office assistant, which I like because it fits well, but don’t like because it’s not what I feel called to.  I’m in a quandary of sorts.  Then I read the bible today… and God… well, He does what God does… speaks.

Peter had enough faith to walk on water… but in a moment of either weakness or adversity, he lost sight and began to sink.  After crying for help, Jesus responded, “You have so little faith.  Why do you doubt me?”

Is my current state of “blah-ness” simply a covert way of doubting that God will do and will come through?  I love to plan and sort things out, but I’m almost worn out with this season of life and all the uncertainties.  Good and Bad things happen to us all the time… but it seems the bad ones are the ones that tend to cloud the good ones.  I don’t want that to happen.  I want to rejoice in the good… but man, the bad kinda’ sucks.

Then I read another verse, and the scripture reads, “You have armed me with strength for the battle…”  Gee, um, thanks.  This probably means it’s not necessarily gonna’ get easier.

And if this isn’t enough, I keep reading in a third book of the bible, and the kicker… “When you walk, you won’t be held back; when you run, you won’t stumble.”

 

 

Ok… deep breath… refocus… “I” will always be a failure… but I’m glad it’s not through MY strength… but HIS.

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